Messy

I'm so messy inside of me. 

I know why I'm messy but how am I supposed to fix it? 

Why do I get my feelings attached so fast? I cannot. I need to step back, step back. Those little memories are already killing me, I don't wanna hurt my bestest friend, I don't ever wanna hurt myself again. 

Tell me how I should stop this. Tell me how please. 

2013 - 2014

I haven't been here for long, was really busy but I don't even know what I was busy with. And then times flies too fast and it's already the forth day of 2014. 

2013 have been a rather hectic year for me I guess. However, it has been such a fulfilling year because I got to know so much so people and able to travel to 3 different countries in a year. There are people who stayed and left, and I'm really grateful for those that stayed by my side. In the midst of 2013, I somehow got myself so lost that I don't even know what I wanted. And I did so badly for my studies. Luckily I managed to realized it and pull myself back again. In 2013, I have no idea where my courage comes by and I have decided to run for NPSU Exco when now that I looked back; there was literally nobody supporting me and nobody even realized my existence in the union. But I managed to get over it and now I'm already half way through the journey. In 2013, I managed to have people by my side and really cared for me which I'm really thankful for. The last half of the year was really a relieved one for me. I managed to have my freedom back, I managed to be myself again, I managed to clear worries that I always have in my heart. Nevertheless, the are definitely many ups and downs during the year which I don't really have much  impression with. 

In 2014, I hope that I will be able to travel as often despite the busy year ahead. I hope that FOC and many major events will came to be a success. I hope I will be able to find motivation and determination back for my studies. I hope that those that stayed continues to stay by my side. I hope that dad will be able to have stable income. As much as this seems realistic or what you call money face, I really hope that the amount in my bank account will never decrease. I do not want to take money from mum, I do not want to feel poor and helpless. And lastly, I wanna have some cash with me in case anything happens within the family. I hope that 2014 will be a good year ahead with lots of exciting events awaiting. The last resolution will be me - finding and knowing what I want for myself & being a better person. 

Time check

Hi guys, actually is hi no one because I have just checked my stats and guess what? THERE IS 0 VIEWS for my blog since like I don't know when. It's kinda predictable because I never told anyone about this blog at all, so I shouldn't complain. The last time I blogged about some stuff that I'm unhappy about was 1 November which is starting of the month and now its already half way through the month. Not that I am happy throughout the 18 days but I am just too busy to blog about my sadness. I'm pretty sure I "emo" a lot throughout the days and like I love to tweet when I am emotional. I guess its a space that I wanna vent something out, not because I like to let people see my emo tweets. There is too much stuff that cause my unhappiness which I shouldn't talk about at all. But I have concluded that I'm just too sensitive about everything. And there's caused me to be unhappy with the whole world, even my best best friend. I'm such a disappointment right? Somebody needs to really teach me how to be contented with whatever I have because I always feel like I gave out a lot but I received nothing. But I just love to give. Maybe that's me that I need to start knowing?

What a day

Hello, I'm back again after so long. Was really busy ever since school starts and it's already week 3 going to 4, having lots of assignments coming up. If you followed me on twitter, you might know that I'm rather moody today. A bad start in the morning ruins the entire day and nothing good happened so I shan't elaborate on what happened today. 

Just a random thought, now I browse through the amount of friends I've got. 

"So close yet so far"

I don't know and I can't help but feel this way. I seems like I could open up to anyone, anyone that is willing to listen. But I think I can't. I mean I thought I could but it's like I can't. I don't know, I feel so lost right now. I felt like everyone that I used to confide to, are all gone. And even if they are back again wanting to listen, I doubt I'll open up again. 

It feels like I'm alone, in my own world. Wanting to switch my humanity off, and I wish I could do it as easy as what vampires in vampire diaries does. 

I just had my braces on and today is the 2nd day I think? It hurts real badly and I can't eat almost anything other than porridge. I can't even bite a bread. And there are lots of ulcers in my mouth. But wanting to be pretty gotta sacrifice some stuff. My self esteem drop real low after having braces on because I think I look really ugly with it. How I wish I will look as good as others or as cute as others. I really can't wait for the 2/3 years to pass so I could have my straight teeth and able to smile widely. I think I looked really ugly right now that I don't even wanna take a picture and post it, I don't wanna smile with my teeth wide open. 

Somebody reach me how to smile please. 

Darkness

Exactly how I'm feeling right now. I thought I told myself I won't be sad. I thought I told myself there won't be any pain. I thought I told myself that this won't bother me. I thought I told myself I could handle this. I thought I told myself to switch off humanity. 

I thought I told myself. 

"Having is the start of losing"

It has been 3 days? Or maybe 2. I was ranting to Yong Lin earlier today about how I felt about my feelings and stuff. Then I started rewatch-ing In Time With You, maybe I will be able to learn something again. I haven't figure out how I should reply him after all the scoldings he sent me. What should I even say? Or should I just leave it. 

I have been staying at home the past 2 days doing things that is pretty unproductive. I really can't wait to go out. But I'm thinking a lot. And I don't know how I should express myself. It's something not as easy as writing it out anymore. I'm telling everyone I'm okay, I'm fine, but am I really okay and fine? I have no idea myself too. I guess I had to wear that smile on till I figure it out. 

Anyway, I was just wondering if anyone is reading all this? Apparently I don't think so because I didn't publicize my blog. However, I do check my statistics and surprisingly there is viewers that is viewing all this. If you are reading this, I'm really thankful. This is a space of mine that I express my feelings and thoughts, no intention of being famous nor popular. If you wanna leave any comments, go ahead. It would probably meant a lot to me.

Free from all troubles

I'm back again because this is my favourite space to write my feelings. I felt a sudden relieve today. I'm single, finally single. Something which I yearned long because I'm so tired of everything. But dramas do happen. And yeah, it did happen to me. I'm totally cool about the whole thing because I didn't felt that I'm in the wrong. I don't even feel sad. Or maybe it had not started yet. 

From today onwards, everything will be so different. 

I do not have to worry if I could go overseas. I do not need to deal with insecurities. I do not need to report my location wherever I go. I do not need to reply whatsapp constantly. There's millions of "I do not", however there are still a lot of worries I gotta get through. 

Please, I wanna be happy.